


Matteo's Mind

by havenshereagain



Series: Autistic Matteo [4]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Autism, Autistic Matteo, Depression, F/F, F/M, Homophobic Dad, M/M, Therapy, autistic main character, depressed matteo, diagnosis fic, no use of slurs, strap in this is a long one guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-18 06:49:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21590287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havenshereagain/pseuds/havenshereagain
Summary: Matteo finally seeks out help, and is able to officially get diagnosed with autism and depression. This is his journey to that point.
Relationships: Carlos Schmidt/Kiki Machwitz, Jonas Augustin/Hanna Jung, Laura Schriebner/Linn Shira, Leonie Richter/Sara Adamczyk, Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck), Mia Winter/Vicky, sara/leonie
Series: Autistic Matteo [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559407
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	Matteo's Mind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hmweasley](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hmweasley/gifts).



> This is my gift for hmweasley (sapphic-vilde on Tumblr) for the Druck Fandom Gift Exchange! I hope you enjoy it, and thanks to Pauline (shakshuka-grandpasweaters on Tumblr) for organizing it. My thoughts/notes on the story are at the end.

As Matteo walked out of the psychologist's office, he felt validated by an adult for the first time in years. He'd gone in with a set of ideas as to what was going on, and came out with confirmation that everything he and David had come up with was right.

It had all started months before, once they got back from their trip. David wanted to address Matteo's "mild breakdown" as he'd put it at the time. 

-

"Matteo, we can't just ignore it," David said as he followed Matteo into his room. He gently shut the door before following Matteo in all the way and sitting on the little couch by the windows. Matteo was laying on the bed upside-down, with his head hanging off the foot of the bed, staring at the wall across from him. They'd come back from Jonas's party a bit early, Matteo quietly telling David he was tired and wanted to go. David could tell that wasn't the only reason right away, but waited until they were back in the apartment to bring it up. One of Matteo's hands went to his hair, gently tugging on it as he turned his head to look at David. "It's just like what happened in Osnabrück, and you said you wanted to figure it out." 

After a moment of silence, which David knew was Matteo processing what he'd just heard, he responded with a sighed "you're right." He sat up and flipped around so that he was sitting with his back against the wall, looking at David. "What do we do?"

-

The next two weeks were spent writing down any little thing they thought of that might have been slightly related, with David even writing some that Matteo was hesitant about categorizing as a "symptom" - "David, I don't think my clothes have anything to do with it" - but he kept it, and others on the list. 

-

After two weeks of cataloging they'd sat back down, and started googling. It took a few hours, and switching up some of the wording, but while Matteo was taking a break (laying in bed looking at memes) David sat back with a small "huh," causing Matteo to look up from his phone and sit up. 

"What is it?" He asked after a minute. It was unusual for David to go so silent, and when he didn't respond, Matteo got up and looked at the laptop over his shoulder. David was midway down some webpage. His eyes wandered the page, taking in the list of symptoms, most of which seemed to apply to him, and finally he looked at the tab, trying to find the name. 

**Autism in adults**

At that, he sat back down on the edge of the bed. His mind was trying to put together the pieces, trying to understand how it could be possible that all these years he had autism, that that was what caused all his issues, and it had gone unnoticed for his whole life. "David, I-" he started, then snapped his mouth shut again. He needed to get his words in order first. "I'm almost nineteen David. Don't you think someone would've noticed by now?" At that David shook his head, turning in the desk chair. Matteo stared down at his hands, twisting and untwisting his fingers. 

"Not with everything else," David said. He got up and sat down next to Matteo, gently grabbing one of his wrists, which stopped his twisting. His free hand went to the hem of his shirt, twisting and pulling at it. "Your mom's own mental health problems kept her from seeing it," he started, "and your dad didn't pay enough attention. You don't present in the classic way, but Matteo, it makes a lot of sense."

He threw himself back on the bed with a sigh, bringing his hands up to drag down his face. "Okay, say you're right?" he asked. "Then what? What am I supposed to do?" 

-

That conversation, or variations of it, took place on and off for the next week. David would find something new, some new piece of information - "doesn’t this sound a lot like you with your pasta?" asked with a some phone article shoved in his face - and present it to Matteo to help convince him.

-

After that Matteo started doing his own research, and once he started, he couldn't seem to stop. It was about two weeks after their initial conversation that Matteo turned to David, while he was working on his something for his film, and said, "wait, non-autistic people don't play with things all the time?" At that, David put down his pencil and turned around. 

He spent a minute staring at Matteo, and Matteo shifted, uncomfortable under his gaze for the first time in months. "Matteo," he whispered after a moment, "you just basically referred to yourself as autistic." Matteo shifted again, turning his phone over in his hand repeatedly without looking directly at David. Had he actually referred to himself as autistic? He thought it over for a minute.

"Huh, I guess I did," he replied simply. "Really though," he continued, "this stimming thing - that's not something everyone does?" David smiled, and shook his head. It was slow, but they were making progress.

-

After that, Matteo started referring to himself as autistic (around David) a lot more, and since he had the words to communicate what was happening, things got even easier than they had already been. Hans had on loud music and Vicky was seemingly starting a fire trying to cook something? Fixed with a quick text to David explaining his apartment was sensory hell and he needed to get out. Matteo not looking at David while talking about the hypotheticals of top surgery? Totally understandable, and David wouldn't say a word about it. 

-

The first person he came out as autistic to was Hans. It actually started off as an accident. He was talking over his shoulder to David as they entered the apartment, thinking no one was supposed to be home Matteo said "you know, you don't have to eat my samefoods with me, David. I'm the autistic one." It was only when he turned to go into the kitchen that he realized Hans was standing at the fridge, a carton of juice in hand, staring at the entry to the kitchen. Matteo mumbled out a quick "shit," dragging a hand down his face. 

David, who had been right behind him ran into his side, asking "what?" in response to Matteo's cursing and sudden stop. He looked into the kitchen, trying to figure out why Matteo had stopped so suddenly, and then saw Hans standing there. "Oh." There was a moment of silence where they all stood, David and Hans staring at each other. Finally David broke it by saying, "Hey Hans, what uh- what did you hear?" 

He closed the fridge and put the juice down on the counter. "Something I shouldn't have," he responded, putting a hand on his hip. There was a pause, then he continued, "butterfly, why didn't you say anything?" raising his hands as though to grab Matteo's shoulders before pausing a few steps away and dropping his hands. 

Matteo opened and shut his mouth, unsure what to say. After a moment he was able to say "I didn't know how," quietly. David placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, looked between him and Hans, and sighed. 

"How about we take this into the living room?" he suggested. Matteo nodded and Hans followed them into the next room, Matteo and David sitting in front of the window with Hans across from them. Things were silent, and David watched Matteo pulling at a loose string on the hem of his shirt. Hans gave David a look that seemed to say, "what do I say?" and David simply shook his head. He knew Matteo would talk when he was ready. 

And he was right, after a few minutes Matteo started, "so, I didn't say anything cause I didn't know how. I've only ever talked to David about all this stuff, and it's only been like, a month and a half since we figured it out, so it just felt like, wrong, or something to be telling other people. And I know there's the whole 'self diagnosis is valid' thing, but it still feels wrong to be telling people I'm autistic without actually getting diagnosed, I guess? So like, that's something David's been helping me deal with, cause it's something I've been shit at. And we've been talking about telling other people, but this obviously wasn’t how we planned it so my brain just kinda went 'oh fuck' and dipped for a bit. So uh, yeah, I'm autistic. If you, uh, have any questions, feel free to ask, I guess? I mean, my answers might be shit, and it might take me a bit to actually come up with words cause my processing skills are shit but uh, yeah." He ended with a nod, but after a second added on, "oh and David could probably answer a lot of the questions if what I say makes no sense." 

"Okay," Hans said slowly, clearly trying to pick his words carefully. "So this is a new discovery?" At that both Matteo and David nodded. They sat in silence for another minute before Hans spoke up again, "so when you came in you were saying something about food? What's that about?" David looked at Matteo, who nearly laughed at the question. It made sense to David that that would be the first thing Hans would ask about, since it was what he'd overheard. 

"Okay, so," Matteo began, "sometimes we - autistic people I mean - will like, fixate on a food, and want to eat pretty much only that for a chunk of time. It's called samefooding, and a big samefood for me has always been pasta, I keep coming back to it. I make it whenever, and I always make the sauce from scratch because no jarred brand gets close enough to satisfy that samefood need. So like, if I make pasta at 9 in the morning, don't question it?" Hans nodded, and Matteo added on, "I've had pasta alla Luigi like six times this week, and I just wanted David to know he could eat something else if he wanted." 

-

The conversation continued for nearly an hour, ending with Hans saying he'd be doing some research of his own to understand better. It made Matteo feel better that the first person he talked to was so easily accepting. After making his pasta, he and David went back to his room and shut the door. As David sat, Matteo said to him "I think I'm ready to start telling people." David nodded, and sat quiet for a moment to see if Matteo had anything else to say.

"Okay," he responded. "If you want any help talking people through it, or don't have the energy for a full out conversation every time, let me know." Matteo nodded, laying back on the bed. It was clear that he was thinking through things, trying to figure out who to talk to next, what to say. "You don't need to get it all figured out now Matteo, I know that conversation with Hans was probably a lot." Another nod, as his hand went back to the loose thread on the hem of his shirt. 

-

It started with Jonas, which admittedly did not go quite as well as Matteo had hoped. He was resistant to the idea that he'd missed the fact that his best friend was autistic for the nearly 13 years they'd known each other. There was more misunderstanding than Matteo wanted to admit, but after showing him some of the resources he and David had found over the past month and a half, Jonas started to see it. 

It still took time for Jonas to really understand, but Matteo knew being willing to understand was the first step in being able to accommodate him when necessary. 

-

He found out that night that Laura had overheard him talking to David about how to talk to Jonas, which admittedly took the weight off his shoulders of having the conversation with her. Matteo also gave David permission to answer her questions in his place, since he was too tired after the arguing he'd done with Jonas that afternoon. 

-

Hanna was the next one he told, and it went much smoother than telling Jonas. He didn't want Jonas to accidentally let it slip to her, so it was only a few days later that he talked to her, resources at the ready. The resources turned out to be mostly unnecessary, as Hanna seemed to have a better understanding of the 'spectrum' part of 'Autism Spectrum Disorder' than Jonas, which he learned was because of some psychology class Kiki had been taking. Apparently Kiki liked to talk to the girls about what she was learning, and they'd talked about autism a few weeks prior. 

That conversation ended with a hug (after Matteo explained that he really enjoyed physical affection despite the stereotypes) and a promise not to tell anyone until he was ready to talk about it. 

-

That same night, he sent Amira a message explaining things to her, knowing that she'd probably have a similar reaction to Hanna. She had some expected questions, some unexpected comments ("makes all the fidgeting make more sense") but overall acceptance. They ended with a promise to meet for lunch after she got back from Australia. 

Hans also told Vicky that night, with permission from Matteo, who was too tired to explain after having told Hanna and Amira in the same day, but that she should know. She left a sticky note with questions on his door, and the next morning he slid a sheet of notebook paper with answers on it back to her.

-

He told Carlos and Abdi together, with help from David and Jonas, while the hung out at Carlos and Kiki's. They all knew that the two of them wouldn't be able to keep a secret, and that they'd probably both have a bunch of questions about it. 

That assumption turned out to be right. They spent three hours answering questions, Matteo between occasional bouts of laughter at some of the questions they came up with, and David chiming in when Matteo couldn't answer. Jonas mostly added in little anecdotes about things he retrospectively realized were autistic traits of Matteo's, like a few months prior when he'd blown up at them in his room being due to emotional dysregulation. 

The final question was actually quite perceptive on Carlos's part, after a moment of silence he asked, "wait, is that why you never like celebrating your birthday?" to which Matteo paused, opened his mouth, then stopped again. They'd already been over the slow processing time, so everyone waited as he thought it through.

"I guess," he started, tone questioning. "I mean, yeah, some of it is probably related to the sensory stuff at birthday parties, like being around so many people, but I think some of it is also being born on Friday the 13th, you know? My dad always sort of blamed me for my mom's depression getting worse, saying it was because I was unlucky." He shrugged, trying to minimize the negative feelings associated with his birthday. David placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, looking around at everyone. 

"Now seems like a good time to tell you," Jonas said, "we were actually planning something for your birthday. Just a small group, the people from Amira's going away party, plus Hans, Laura, Leonie and Sara. And well, besides Mia, Amira, Mohammed, and Alex. David and I wanted to make sure it wasn't gonna be too much for you." Matteo sat for a moment, then looked up at David, sitting on the arm of the couch next to him. 

"We can cancel if you want," David said quietly, eyes searching Matteo's face. "I'm sure people won't mind if we do." He thought for a moment. Having new memories to replace the old ones would probably be good, especially if they were of a sensory friendly party with his closest friends. After a moment he shook his head, before speaking up.

"No, actually," he paused, licking his lips. "I think it's a good idea. But, can I help with it? So I hopefully don't have to run out of it. I mean, David you know what sets me off, but still." The boys all agreed, and apologized for initially hiding it from him. He brushed it off, knowing they had good intentions. 

-

That night he texted Sara, asking if her and Leonie would want to do lunch with him and David that Sunday. At some point while they were hitchhiking, the girls had gotten together, Leonie sending a picture of the two of them to David. Matteo had talked to Sara, apologizing again for the way he'd treated her, and they'd actually been on good terms. Leonie and David were actually pretty close, and tried to go out at least once a week, typically dragging along Sara and Matteo, and while it was unusual for Matteo to be the one to set something up, it wasn't the first time it had happened, and Sara didn't think anything of it. 

-

When they met up, it started like any other double date they'd been on. Ordering food, catching up about what they'd done since they'd last seen each other, which had only been a week and a half prior. Once that conversation died down, David glanced at Matteo, who cleared his throat, preparing to actually talk about why he'd asked them to come out to lunch.

"So uh," he coughed, clearing his throat again. His fingers sat on the table, playing with a balled up straw wrapper. "I actually wanted to talk to you guys about something." He glanced nervously between Sara and Leonie before looking at David for reassurance. After a nod, he continued, "I'm autistic. And uh - I think that's part of why I was so shitty to you Sara. I mean, it's not an excuse, and I'm working on it, but I uh, I have a lot of trouble with thinking about how my actions make other people feel, and I sometimes end up doing really shit things to people who don't deserve it." For a moment he was only met with silence, and he quickly looked at Sara, and was surprised to see a soft expression on her face. 

"Matteo," she started, placing a gentle hand on his. "I've already forgiven you. And okay, it feels a bit better knowing it wasn't just a me thing, but I'm already past it. It hurt at the time, but it ended up leading to me and Leonie getting together." She pulled her hand away, placing it on Leonie's next to her. "Thank you for telling us. Just let us know of any boundaries or anything." At that, he stared at her for a second, before shifting his gaze to Leonie, who shrugged. 

"Wait," he said, then paused. "So you guys don't have any questions?" The girls looked at each other, back at him, then shrugged. Sara shook her head.

"I mean, I guess there's the specifics of your autism," she responded, "but Leonie's got an autistic cousin. We spent time with her over the summer, and yeah, your case is gonna be different, but we know the basics. What's your stance on people touching you?" David snorted, wrapping an arm around Matteo's shoulders, who immediately tucked himself against his side.

"He loves it," David answered. "At least from friends, that is. So you guys have nothing to worry about in terms of touching him." Matteo nodded, smiling up at David. He got distracted by Leonie making a gagging noise, to which Sara laughed.

"Get a room you two," she joked, hand still tightly wound around Sara's. Matteo sat up again, but David's arm stayed wrapped around him. "Okay, another serious question though: any scents, fabrics or sounds to avoid?" Sara nodded, clearly on the same page as Leonie. She took her phone out of her pocket, and Matteo assumed she was making a note of some sort. 

"Okay, uh," he stuttered out. That was one question he wasn't really prepared for. He'd talked with David, Vicky and Hans about it, but hadn't thought to write it down. "So for scents uh, anything floral-y? I don't really know how to say it, but flowery smells make me feel gross. Oh, or any kind of food burning, oh and sauerkraut! For sounds, any kind of like, beeping or buzzing, especially for a long time? But sounds it's more if there's loud noises, like music or something, for too long, I get sensory overload. And fabrics, the main thing I can think of is that like stretchy swimsuit type stuff? What is it David?" At that he smacked David lightly in the side to grab his attention.

"Nylon," he explained. "Or spandex. He won't wear either of them." Matteo enthusiastically nodded his head at that. "We haven't found any other fabrics he won't wear, but nothing tight either." Again, Matteo enthusiastically nodded.

"Yeah, sometimes David's better than me at remembering that kind of stuff," he said, taking a sip of his water. From there, the lunch went on the way any other lunch the three of them had gone to had. There was the occasional question relating to Matteo's autism, or disclosure to others, but overall it was a normal lunch. When they went to leave, Matteo hugged Sara and whispered a "thank you," in her ear, trying to get across in the hug how much weight the words held for him. He did the same with Leonie, who gently rubbed his arm and smiled at him, before leaving the restaurant hand in hand with Sara. 

-

A few days later, he got a text from Carlos explaining that he'd accidentally mentioned Matteo being autistic to Kiki, who he got a text from not even a minute later, similar to the "gay pride!" one she'd sent when she found out about him being gay. He snorted, before sending a short text to Carlos letting him know it was fine, and that he hadn't expected him to keep it a secret from her. In fact, he'd been counting on it so that he wouldn't have to have the conversation with her. He knew that if Kiki knew, the rest of the girl squad would know in a matter of minutes, but that just took the weight off his shoulders of telling them before Saturday.

-

Saturday, he, David, and Laura showed up to Kiki and Carlos's apartment about an hour before the others were supposed to arrive to get everything set up. They hung string lights up around the living room, and a laptop sat on the coffee table playing music at a moderate volume. There were bowls of chips and other snack foods set up on the coffee table, and a crate with beer sat in one corner, next to a table with a small assortment of mixers and liquors. The first to show up was Jonas, who greeted Matteo with a tight hug, saying "happy birthday brudi!" as he clapped Matteo on the back. 

He handed Matteo a small package, wrapped in the comic section from a newspaper. "Thanks man, but you didn't need to get me anything," he said, sitting on the couch. His fingers played with the untaped edges of the paper, eye flitting between Jonas and Carlos. Kiki, Laura, and David were busy with something in the kitchen.

"Nah man, it's nothing," Jonas responded, "besides, it's from me, Carlos, and Abdi." Matteo shrugged, turning the box over in his hands. After a moment of silence, Jonas spoke up again, "well man, are you gonna open it?" At that Matteo let out a small uncertain noise, not having realized he should have already opened it, before nodding.

"Right, yeah," he mumbled, turning it over in his hands again, finding the edge of the paper and ripping it open. Underneath the paper was an unmarked cardboard box. Before he had the chance to open it there was another knock on the door.

"I've got it," Kiki yelled, already heading down the hall from the kitchen. Matteo flipped open the box, revealing metal sitting in the bottom. He turned it out into his hand as Abdi entered the room. It turned out to be two interlocked metal circles, with some plastic bits connecting them. He looked at it confused for a moment before Jonas spoke up.

"It's something you can put on your keys," he explained, and anytime you want something to do with your hands, you can use it." Matteo took a minute, playing with the circles in his hand, before nodding his head. 

"Thanks guys," he said, looking up at his friends, before standing to give Abdi a hug. "Na?" Before either of them had a chance to say anything else, the door opened and they could hear Hanna and Sam come in. 

"Happy birthday Matteo," they both yelled from the hall, making sure they could be heard over the music and other voices. When they came into the room David and Laura followed, giving hugs and greetings when applicable. Matteo also gave Hanna and Sam each a quick hug and "na," before noticing the bag Sam held. 

"From all us girls," she said, pushing it into his hands. He looked down at the multicolored paper poking out the top of the bag, then back up between Hanna and Sam, and over Sam's shoulder as Kiki entered the room again. 

"Thank you," he mumbled, "but you guys didn't need to get me anything." He sat on the couch again, bag on his lap. Just as he went to pull out the paper someone let out an "oh!"

"Wait," Kiki called, "Mia wanted us to Facetime her when you opened it." She knelt in front of the computer on the table, pausing the music. The sound of the Facetime ring filled the room for a few seconds before Mia's face popped up. "Mia, Matteo's about to open the gift!"

"Hi everyone," she yelled, voice tinny from the poor connection. Kiki turned the computer to face Matteo and he waved as Mia said, "happy birthday Matteo. Now open it!" He laughed before digging his hand back into the paper, this time pulling out a few sheets before looking into the bag. There was an envelope sitting there, which he pulled out and tore open. Inside was a card with the 'bring me a birthday gift' meme on the front. Each girl, including Amira and Mia, had written a short message wishing him a happy birthday, good year, etc. all the normal birthday wishes. He dug through the paper again, tossing more out onto the floor before his hands landed on something solid, which he pulled out, revealing a cookbook.

"David told us you've been cooking more," Hanna told him with a shrug. He smiled, happy to know that his friends really paid attention to his hobbies, before flipping through the pages a bit, looking at some of the different recipes and already trying to find some reason to cook dinner for the girls as a thank-you. 

"Amira bought the card, signed it, and sent it to me," Mia explained. "So then I signed it and sent it to Hanna, so her, Sam and Kiki could sign it and give it to you." He nodded, knowing they must have had planned this out for a while to have the time for the card to travel so far. 

"Thank you," he said, before clearing his throat and repeating himself more clearly, "thank you. I guess I know who's cooking for Christmas for the WG this year," he joked, flipping through the pages again. From the hallway he heard the door slamming shut, followed by footsteps down the hall.

"Happy birthday butterfly," Hans shouted as he entered the room, Vicky trailing close behind him. He also had a bag in his hands, "Vicky and I have brought a gift, and don't even try arguing with us on this!" Before Matteo could say anything, or get up, Hans had crossed the room and placed the bag in his lap. Matteo laughed, putting the cookbook aside and picking up some of the discarded paper. 

"Okay then," he said, centering the bag on his lap, "well thank you two. And remember, I'm seeing my mom tomorrow for lunch, so leftovers from Mama Florenzi for dinner." With another laugh, he dug into the bag. There was significantly less paper, and after a moment of digging, his fingers touched a rough fabric. He pulled it out, unsure what he was looking at. 

"They're blackout curtains," Vicky explained after a second. "I hear you up and moving around a lot a night, so I thought maybe they'd help you sleep better." She said it so simply, with a shrug, but it meant a lot to Matteo. He hadn't mentioned his problems sleeping to anyone besides David, and he knew David hadn't said anything because he'd ask him not to. 

"Thank you," he muttered, pushing the bag aside and standing to give both Hans and Vicky hugs. The others had started milling about the room, and someone had hung up the call with Mia in favor of starting the music again. For a moment, he just stood, looking around at his friends, before he heard the door open and shut again. He looked around again, before realizing the only ones not already there were Leonie and Sara.

"Happy birthday Matteo," Sara said, working her way past everyone to give him a hug, Leonie gripping her arm so they didn't get separated. He gave Sara a hug, but before he could hug Leonie she pushed a box into his hands.

"From us," she mumbled pulling him into a hug. It took him a moment to process what had happened, but once he did, he gave her a quick hug back before pulling back and looking at the wrapping, which was plain brown, with his name written in 8thick black marker and a blue ribbon tying it together. He stared at it for a second before looking back up at Leonie then over to Sara, who smiled at him. 

"Right, uh," he stuttered out. "Thank you both." With that, he sat back on the sofa, Sara sitting on the arm next to him, and Leonie on the edge of the coffee table. His fingers flitted over the package, unsure for a moment what to do before realizing the ribbon had to come off first. Then he tore open the paper, revealing a plain brown box. When he lifted the lid, there was a blue, red and white sweater. 

"If you don't like the fabric, we can return it," Leonie stated. Sara smacked her on the arm, shooting her a look and shushing her, to which Leonie just shrugged, smirking at him. He lifted the sweater out of the box, rubbing the fabric between his thumb and forefinger. 

"No," he said, continuing to rub it between his fingers as his eyes flickered over the pattern. "No, this is perfect." He looked up from the sweater, to Sara then Leonie. "Thank you, this is a good fabric for me." At that, Leonie swatted at Sara's arm, and Matteo chuckled. David made his way over, giving Sara and Leonie each a hug.

"Na? What's this?" he asked, sitting next to Matteo on the couch. He brought his hand up, touching the sweater and nodding. "Good choice," he said to Leonie and Sara. "This is the kind of fabric he loves." Sara looked at Leonie and raised her eyebrows, and Leonie rolled her eyes.

"I told you," she whisper-yelled. With that, Leonie pushed her hand against Sara's face, rolling her eyes again. Matteo and David looked at each other before bursting out laughing, Sara and Leonie joining them a second later. 

For the next hour Matteo talked, joked and danced with his friends. Knowing about the party had helped him prepare the social energy to stay for a long period of time, and mentally he was in a good place. He'd pushed all the negative thoughts and memories from previous birthdays to the back of his mind, choosing to think of it as any other party. 

At about ten thirty there was the sound of someone coughing and everyone went silent. Matteo looked around confused, before spotting Laura in the doorway to the living room, holding a cake with a bunch of candles. His face turned red as people started singing, and he could see David and Sam both filming. As soon as the song ended he blew out the candles, hoping to get everyone's attention off him. 

It actually worked out pretty well, since then everyone wanted a piece of cake. "What kind is it?" he heard Hans asking behind him. 

"Hazelnut torte," David answered. That made Matteo whip his head around to look at David, eyes wide. "I got the recipe from your mom, Laura helped me make it last night." Matteo knew he hadn’t told David about his mom's tradition of making a hazelnut torte every year for his birthday as a kid. It was pretty much the only occasion she made it, and no other compared to hers. He hadn't had it in a few years, after her depression started to get worse again when he was around 14, she hadn't had the energy to make it. 

"Thank you," he whispered, pulling David into a tight hug. He could feel the tears pooling in his eyes, and hoped no one else could see them. David nodded against his shoulder, and he pulled away, quickly wiping his sleeve under his eyes. Most of their friends were gathered around the table, where Kiki had started cutting into the cake.

"Wait," she yelled, placing the first piece onto a paper plate. "Birthday boy gets the first slice," she said, turning to hand Matteo the plate. He took it from her and nodded his head in thanks before she turned around to continue plating and handing out the cake. Slowly, he took the fork and cut a small piece, then lifted it to his mouth. It tasted just like his mother's and he shut his eyes, nearly crying for the second time in five minutes. 

He opened his eyes to see David staring at him, an eyebrow raised. "So," he said slowly, "how is it?" Matteo nodded, taking a bigger bite of the cake.

"Are you sure you made this?" he joked. It was well known that Matteo was the better cook between the two of them, but that didn't stop David from smacking him in the side, causing Matteo to flinch and sidestep, nearly knocking over Hanna beside him. "Oops, sorry Hanna," he laughed. 

He look over at David and both of them started laughing again. "To answer your question," David started. "Yes, asshole, I made it, with help from Laura. Okay, so Laura did most of the actual baking, but I helped mix and decorate." Matteo laughed again. "Hey, it turned out good though, didn't it?" 

"Yeah," Matteo nodded, taking another bite. It brought up some not-so-nice memories of yelling and fighting, but it also brought up memories of sitting on the counter in the kitchen, licking the spatula as his mother hummed to herself and made the custard filling for the cake. 

The rest of the party was relatively uneventful, and before he knew it, he and David were making their way back to his apartment, trailing a few feet behind Hans and Vicky. They weren't exactly drunk, but they definitely weren't sober either. Their hands were tightly linked, and Matteo was leaning against David. "Thank you for tonight," he mumbled, tripping slightly over his feet. He quickly regained his balance and continued, "it meant a lot to me what you and everyone else did." 

David pressed a quick kiss to his temple. "Of course 'Teo," he whispered into Matteo's hair. The rest of the walk back was silent, besides the occasional laugh drifting back from Vicky and Hans, and the sounds of other people out. 

Once they got back, Matteo and David were both quick to strip and get into bed. "I'm so tired," Matteo murmured, worming himself under David's arm and tight to his side. He felt David kiss his forehead, and before he started to fall asleep managed to say, "love you."

-

The next morning he woke to a buzzing in the bed. He fumbled around for a moment before finding his phone, an alarm going off reading 'lunch with mom,' and he rubbed a hand over his face. After dismissing the alarm, he looked at the notifications on his phone, happy birthday messages from a few random classmates, his father, and weirdest of all Rentier. There was also a text from his mother reading "Are you and David still coming over for lunch after church this morning?"

David rolled over beside him, and wrapped an arm around his waist, tugging him closer. "Happy birthday love," he whispered before lightly kissing him. Matteo wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled him in for another kiss, which only lasted a moment before David pulled back and asked, "don't we have lunch with your mom soon?" He groaned, rolling over onto his back and stretching his free arm above him head before nodding. David wiggled his arm out from under Matteo and got out of bed, getting ready for the day. 

As he stood at the edge of the bed, pulling his binder over his head, Matteo sat up and wrapped his arms around his waist, pressing gentle kisses to his back. "Can't we just stay here?" he whined. "Reschedule with my mom?" He heard David laugh as he turned around to face Matteo, placing a gentle hand on his jaw to look at him.

"Nope," he said before kissing the tip of Matteo's nose. "I'm going to brush my teeth, you get dressed." It took him a moment to pry Matteo's arms off, but after he did, he put on a shirt and left the room laughing. Matteo laid back against the bed, grabbing his phone and responding to the messages he'd received thanking everyone who had wished him a happy birthday, and letting his mom know that he and David would see her at 12, so they had a little over an hour to get dressed and get there. 

After another moment he got up and dressed, putting on the sweater Leonie and Sara had given him yesterday. He pulled at the hem, rubbing the fabric between his fingers again before smiling. His phone buzzed again on the bed and he picked it up, expecting a message from ok.cool, or his mom, and was surprised to see another message from his father. It read 'have you found a job or a girlfriend yet?' and Matteo tossed his phone back on the bed without responding, before finding the jeans he'd worn yesterday and pulling them on as David came back into the room.

"Gonna brush my teeth," he mumbled, passing David and heading down the hall. As he looked at himself in the mirror after brushing his teeth, he ran a hand through his hair, frustrated with his father. It was his birthday, he really couldn’t wait one day to ask about jobs or dating? He sighed, telling himself he'd come out to his dad next time they talked, not wanting to deal with it on what should be a good day. 

Lunch with Mama Florenzi was uneventful, and he was right about having a bunch of leftovers to bring home, which Hans and Vicky were very excited about. It was only when he was laying down that evening that he realized he'd never responded to his father's text, and sent a quick "not yet," hoping that would be enough conversation for at least a month or two. 

-

Halloween came and went with loads of decorations and a WG party, bigger than Matteo's birthday, but more sensory-friendly than previous WG parties. When Matteo felt himself starting to get overwhelmed, he told Hans, who suggested taking the party to a club. David and Matteo stayed behind to clean up, reminiscent of the first party David had gone to in the flatshare. Laura had come, but went back to her and David's apartment at some point with Linn, who was visiting from Sweden, where she'd moved a few months prior. 

-

Life was normal for the most part. David got into the film school he'd applied to, and Matteo made dinner for them to celebrate with their friends. That night, Matteo confessed to David that he'd been thinking of going to culinary school. The next day, with a burst of confidence from David's encouragement, he applied to a few nearby restaurants for jobs helping out in the kitchen, and signed up for some cooking classes. 

-

A little over a week later his father called. He spoke Italian for privacy's sake, not wanting his roommates to overhear him arguing with his father about jobs, which was most of the conversation. Apparently applying to jobs wasn't good enough for his father, but Matteo was unsure what else his father wanted from him. That went on for a solid 10 minutes before his dad switched to dating, and Matteo couldn't hold back anymore. "You know what?" he said quietly. "Yeah, I am dating someone. His name's David."

There was a moment of silence before his dad exploded, and from there Matteo couldn't fully remember what was said until he heard a knock on the door. He asked them to wait a moment, expecting it to be David, before diving back in with his dad, more quietly this time, even though he knew that David couldn't understand what was being said. The last thing he wanted was for David to hear him angry. His dad was now going off about how it was somehow his mom's fault that he was gay, and while Matteo tried arguing, his father wouldn't stop talking. Finally, Matteo just said, "you know what? I don't want to listen to your homophobic ass right now. I'm done talking. Bye." 

With that, he hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed before opening the door, finding David on the other side. He told him vaguely what had happened, but wasn't able to fully discuss it. 

-

The call with his dad triggered a depressive episode, something that hadn't happened since before Matteo and David had gotten together. He couldn't force himself to get out of bed, barely ate anything, smoked through the small stash of weed he had on hand. David noticed the change, and got Matteo to open up about the conversation with his dad, but he was still stuck. 

After a week and a half, late one night, Matteo told David about his past episodes. How they could be triggered by rejections, or sometimes by seemingly nothing at all. How they zapped him of his already limited energy, particularly social energy. How the last one was when he'd snapped at the boys, the emotional dysregulation being too much.

"Matteo," David whispered, gently holding his hands, curled up facing each other on the bed. "I think this is a real issue." He nodded weakly. 

"I know," he mumbled. "I just.. I thought I was better now. I'm at a good place, you, the boys, Hans, my mom, everything has been good. I didn't think he could set me off like this." There was no need to specify who he meant. David just nodded, rubbing a thumb along the back of Matteo's hand. "I think," he paused, took a deep breath, "I think I may need real help." With that his voice broke, and David knew he was on the verge of tears. He pulled him close, a hand running through his hair as Matteo buried his face in his shoulder. 

-

After that, the episode faded out. It was a slow ease back into day-to-day life, and soon enough he got an interview with one of the restaurants he applied to. A few days later, he got a call with an offer for a job as a sous chef at a restaurant a few blocks from the flatshare. He left his room and saw Hans decorating the living room with rainbow tinsel for Christmas. Hans took one look at him and asked, "everything alright butterfly?" 

"I got the job," Matteo responded breathlessly. Everyone knew about it, Hans had helped him prepare for the interview, and upon finding out he dropped the tinsel and rushed over to give Matteo a hug.

"Congrats! Have you told David yet?" Matteo shook his head as Hans pulled away, stepping back over to his tinsel.

"He's on his way over now," he explained. "I'll tell him when he gets here. Want some help?" Hans nodded, before pointing towards the box on the floor. 

"Put things wherever you want," he said, pressing a thumbtack into the tinsel. Matteo made his way over to the box and dug through it, pulling out a wound up strand of lights. He paused for a moment, looking around the room, before deciding to hang them around the window behind the couch. After grabbing a few tacks and sticking the ends in his mouth he made his way over, first leaning over the back of the couch to find an outlet to plug the lights into. He plugged them in then stood on the back of the couch, carefully balancing himself and unwinding the strand of lights as he went. 

Once he reached the corner of the window he pinned it there with one hand, using the other to grab a tack and shove it into the wall, pinning the strand of lights there. He continued unwinding until he was about a quarter of the way across the window before adding another tack, then did the same about three-quarters of the way across, and at the opposite corner. At first he let the strand drop, but the tack in the corner couldn't hold it up alone, so he added one more. As he climbed off the couch, the buzzer for the door rang, and he dropped the rest of his tacks back into the box by Hans, shouting over his shoulder, "I've got it." 

He didn't even bother to see who it was, knowing it would be David, and that was confirmed when he opened the door a moment later and saw David standing there. "Na?" he said quietly, pressing himself against David and winding his arms around his waist. David pressed a quick kiss to his forehead before pulling back to kiss him properly.

"Hey," he murmured. "Everything good?" Matteo nodded, giving David a quick kiss on the cheek before pulling away to head back to the living room and continue helping Hans decorate the apartment.

"So," Matteo started. He looked towards David, making sure he'd heard. "I heard back from the interview." David raised an eyebrow, and before he asked, Matteo continued, "I got the job." Huge grins broke out over both their faces and David rushed forward, wrapping him in a tight hug. 

"When did you find out?" he asked, "who else knows?" Matteo leaned back, putting out his hands to signal David to slow down, let Matteo process and answer before asking anything else.

"Like, fifteen minutes ago," he answered. "And the only other one is Hans. He was out here when I got the call, and I had to tell someone." Hans nodded when Matteo pointed to him, now hanging a wreath on Matteo's bedroom door. "I'm gonna call my mom and tell her in a bit, but I wanted to wait till you got here so I could tell you."

David hugged him again, whispering "I'm so proud of you love," into his ear. Matteo felt his throat tighten, and quickly cleared it before pulling away. With another quick kiss on the cheek, David pulled away, turning around to look through the Christmas decorations. For a second Matteo just stood there, watching him, trying to wrap his mind around how he'd gotten lucky enough to have David in his life, before digging through the box again to help.

-

Laying in bed that night, David brought up his depressive episode again. He knew he had to do something, but mixed with the autism, and being gay, he wasn't sure where to start on finding a therapist. And, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to afford a therapist, he told David. But, it was still worth it to at least start looking into it, so he agreed to, after settling into his new job, and getting through the holidays. 

-

Adjusting to life as a sous chef was easier than Matteo had expected. The kitchen wasn't as loud or crowded as he'd expected it to be, meaning he expended less energy there than he'd initially thought he would, and the restaurant was closed for a few days Christmas, so he didn't need to worry about working and missing out on festivities with his friends or mom. 

The new job also meant he had extra money to spend on gifts. His dad was still sending money to help him out, which was nice considering Matteo had ignored all of his calls since their fight the previous month. He got David book by some American director for his birthday. The crew had decided to do one big secret Santa, and Matteo had drawn Sam, and they had a 20 euro limit, so he got her a sketchbook and a set of colored pencils, knowing she'd probably need them for her apprenticeship. 

Their gift exchange was planned for the 25th, that way everyone could celebrate with their families on the 24th. Matteo and David had lunch with his mother, who was planning to attend the church's midnight mass. They gifted her a set of baking supplies after she'd told Matteo she'd been cooking again, and she gave them each a hand-knitted scarf, a new hobby she'd picked up in the past year. 

After opening gifts, Matteo told her he was autistic. There was a moment of shock, tears were shed, and apologies given for missing the signs. Matteo assured her it was okay, understanding her own struggles with depression, and also with his father. He also told her for the first time about the fight they'd gotten into, which caused her to cry again, and hug him tightly. "No loving god would say those things," she said, "your father has been guided down the wrong path. 'Judge not, that you be not judged.' I'm sorry you had to go through that darling."

That caused Matteo to break down in tears. A big part of his hesitance in coming out to his mom was her extreme religiosity, her using it to explain how his father was wrong in this situation was enough to get to him. After that things calmed back down, and soon enough Matteo and David were making their way back to the flatshare for dinner with his roommates and Laura, which Hans had cooked for, since Matteo was planning to cook for the bigger event the next day. 

Dinner passed without a hitch and afterwards, everyone decided to exchange gifts. There was a flatshare rule of no more than 15 euros per gift, which they were to strictly to adhere to by Hans's insistence. But, David and Matteo decided to pool their 15 euros to get nicer gifts for them, and got Vicky a set of paintbrushes, Hans short sleeved floral button down, and Mia a low-key bi pride sweatshirt after realizing that she didn't own any pride stuff. 

For Laura they didn't stick to a price point, but still got her something together, a hoodie that said "lesbian and legendary" on it, mostly because as soon as David found it, he couldn't stop laughing. All in all, between them, they got a cutting board, a Bluetooth speaker, a documentary on Italian filmmakers by Martin Scorsese, a gimbal for David's phone, a cookbook of Middle Eastern foods, some sausages, a German cookbook, and a "Do Not Disturb" sign, which they were instructed to use liberally by Hans. 

The rest of the night was spent watching Christmas movies and drinking wine, with Laura deciding to crash on the couch, and Mia sharing the bed with Vicky, having admitted to something going on between the two of them. David and Matteo waited to exchange gifts until right before they went to bed, Matteo got David an external microphone after listening to him complain about the microphone on his phone being poor quality, and David got him a set of noise cancelling headphones to wear whenever there was too much noise in the apartment that couldn't be changed easily. 

Afterwards they crawled into bed at nearly one a.m., falling asleep nearly immediately with their backs turned to each other. When Matteo woke up in the middle of the night, he found that at some point David had wrapped himself around his back, and he smiled to himself before going back to sleep.

-

Matteo spent most of the next day cooking. David made pancakes for breakfast (lunch), but after that Matteo made him sit at the table so that he could work on food for their friends, starting with cookies for them to decorate together. Over the course of the day (okay, he didn't start until one, but still) he made a roast, stuffing, potato dumplings, cabbage, falafel, three types of cookies, and icing in five colors. 

David helped him clean as he went so he didn't have to worry about having a huge pile of dirty dishes at the end of the night, and Hans, Vicky and Mia moved the kitchen table out into the living room to put the food on, since the kitchen was so small. Amira and Mohammed were the first to show up, despite (or maybe because) not celebrating Christmas themselves, and brought baklava with them. "Everything's halal, so help yourselves," Matteo said after hugging them both. Before he had a chance to talk to Amira about Australia, someone else arrived, and he got distracted. 

After that, everyone started arriving pretty quickly, and within twenty minutes, everyone was sat in the living room. Matteo did a quick head count to make sure he hadn't skipped over someone, and after counting 16, he got everyone's attention and made a short announcement, "thanks for coming, now that everyone's here, let's eat! There's a bunch of stuff, if you have any questions, ask me."

He waited until everyone had served themselves before he did, and sat down to a chorus of compliments on everything he'd prepared, including the baklava, which he quickly explained that he couldn’t take credit for, but that he was interested in getting the recipe from Amira's mom. She corrected him a second later, telling everyone that Mohammed had actually made it, not her mother, as she didn't make it outside of Muslim holidays. 

After they ate, they quickly moved onto secret Santa, starting with Jonas, who had Kiki, and going from there. Matteo's secret Santa was Amira, who had gotten him some yarn and a crochet hook, saying, "you said your mom liked to knit, I thought maybe you could pick up a yarn hobby too." Sam loved the sketchbook and colored pencils he'd gotten her, and after he'd gone, secret Santa seemed to pass by in a whirlwind. 

They decorated cookies while listening to Christmas music, and after a few hours, a group of them decided to go out to a club, leaving Matteo, David, Amira, and Mohammed alone. The four of them talked about Amira's trip to Australia, and then Amira and Mohammed left too, leaving Matteo and David alone in the apartment. 

-

New Years came and passed uneventfully, as did January, besides Carlos's birthday, which went by without a hitch. 

February was when Matteo finally decided to speak to his father again. He'd been calling on and off since the big argument in November, but Matteo couldn't handle talking to him. But he knew that, eventually, he'd need to talk to him, that he couldn't put it off forever. So the next time his father called, he picked up, David by his side. 

Matteo told him first about the job that he'd found, how he was enjoying working in a restaurant and taking classes to one day move up in the restaurant. Then his father brought up his mom, started talking about her going to therapy, and how he thought Matteo also should go to therapy, which confused him because his dad didn't know about his autism or depression, so he asked why, and was incredibly disappointed to realize his father meant conversion therapy, not real therapy. 

That of course led into another argument, with Matteo stating there was nothing wrong with him being gay, that he was happy and in love, which was enough for him, and his mom, so why not his dad? He also quoted the bible verse his mother had quoted to him after he told her about his dad's reaction. 

It was only a few minutes later that he hung up, telling his father he was done talking, and then talking with David about everything that had been said. His father refused to use the word 'gay' but was still angry about Matteo being 'the way he was' as he put. 

-

It was another month before he spoke to his father again, without David. They'd realized it would be a good way for Matteo to get therapy without having to pay himself. His dad was absolutely insistent he go to therapy, citing a list of therapists (who Matteo knew without even looking up that they'd be conversion therapists) and telling Matteo that next time they talked, he wanted him to have a therapist in mind. 

The two of them spent the next week searching for a therapist nearby who was accepting of LGBT patients, and specialized in depression. Although he wanted a diagnosis for his autism, he also knew it would be hard enough finding a therapist specializing in LGBT patients and depression. They debated between a few for a day, before settling on one in Mitte, and deciding to call Matteo's father the next day to talk to him about it, and schedule an appointment. 

That was about two weeks ago. Matteo had just left his new therapist's office for the first time, and was going to meet up for lunch with David before he had to head to work, and while his therapist wasn't able to diagnose his autism herself, she said she'd refer him to a co-worker of his for an evaluation. She was, however, able to diagnose him with Major Depressive Disorder, and they set up a weekly appointment Mondays at 1, so that he could see her, grab lunch, then head to work. 

He may not have gotten both diagnoses he was looking for, but he had one, and was going to get the other, and hopefully be able to get accommodations when he needed them. It was going to be a process, but with David, his friends and mom on his side, he knew he'd get through it.

**Author's Note:**

> So some of this is drawn from my own experience, some is with some help from Harper (gleedegrassi-bigfan) and some is just made up! I experience autism in a lot of the same ways Harper highlighted in her original Autistic Matteo meta, so it's easy for me to draw on that, and I have depression and anxiety, however, I haven't gotten an official diagnosis for my autism yet. I'm also thankful to not have experienced much homophobia from my family, but I've experienced some bi/panphobic comments, which have led to minor depressive episodes. Nowhere near what Matteo experiences here, thankfully, but I also feel that his lack of schedule (not being in school, or with David at all times) would lead to a depressive episode. If you have any questions about things referenced in the story (articles, gifts, etc.) feel free to ask, because I have links for everything, as well as the whole timeline planned out with dates for what happened when.


End file.
